thoughts du jour

today was a day of firsts for me
1) i was in a tv show
2) i went to a movie by myself

The tv show is "being human," which I had actually heard of before. I had brought my laptop to the park to work on my ISP, saw that they were filming, and picked a spot which I hoped would be close enough to watch. To my delight the crew basically set up around me, and I was told multiple times that I was in the frame and that's fine, as long as I'm cool with my image being very clear on tv. So of course I made myself comfortable as to prevent any continuity gaps. So look for me in the background of an upcoming (possibly second?) episode of being human, season 3. the main guy will be walking in the park with his girlfriend (?) and I'm behind them lying on a blanket with a big bun on top of my head.

For some reason I always thought going to the movies alone was sad, weird, or some combination of both. But after being alone (and bored) for a few hours I decided to venture out and try it myself. Amazingly enough, it is not weird or sad, in fact it's just like going with your friends except you don't have anyone to talk to before or after the credits. No biggie.

Going to a movie alone also meant I had to come home alone. After receiving a message from Dave telling me to "get home safe" I became hyper aware of my actions, and how many of them are conscious attempts to do just that. For example, I sat against a window in the metro and two guys got on together and sat on either side of me. They looked normal and not at all threatening, but my guard immediately went up. When I got to the street again, right away I grabbed my purse and held it against me until I got home. I walked with my shoulders squared, eyes straight ahead. That is, unless I was passing a doorway or alley, in which case I tried to see I there were any figures lurking about as I approached. I listened to footsteps behind me and watched the shadows until I could see who they belonged to. I chose to walk down the main street rather than a side street to stay near people and in good light. Normally I walk quickly but firmly, like I mean business. I would have tonight if it had been any later. Before immigration took it away, I would have had my hand on my pepper-spray in my purse, ready to spray it in a second.

This might sound paranoid, but I really don't think it is. As a short, petite female out alone at night, I know I am vulnerable. I also know that if something were to happen to me, people would ask (in a non-judgmental way of course) 'why was I out alone at night anyway?' Violence and sexual assault happen all the time, and I realize that I am lucky that I have never been a victim. I'd like to keep it that way. I think my sensitivity or awareness is piqued by my research, which has led me to read a lot about sexual violence, sexual predators, and rape culture. I've also been into jezebel recently, which highlights some of the many examples of rape culture that exist around us. This stuff make me mad. It makes me really fucking mad, and for that, I am grateful. Because being mad inspires people to take action. My action is to be aware of myself and of those around me, and to continue stepping in when I see a vulnerable woman alone at night. I also hope to take action through my research and subsequent career, and to continue spreading the message that rape culture is not ok, violence against women is not ok, and sexual violence is not ok.

case in point: http://jezebel.com/5925786/walking-while-female-a-story-of-sexual-assault-in-broad-daylight?comment=50940304?utm_source=jezebel_facebook&utm_medium=socialflow
(added 7/13/2012)

I am patriotic.

Living abroad has made me think a lot about what it means to be American this year. I’ve had many conversations this year with others as the token American and had to listen to all the bad things America is doing/has done, without resisting because you already know that people who only want to talk about this won’t listen anyway. I’ve also been introduced as “this is Madeline, she’s American.” True, but not necessary in an introduction, in my opinion. 

I used to think of being patriotic as a bad thing, as in ’merica – fuck yeah! or macho military men who think questioning anything makes you a traitor. 

It seemed to me that being patriotic was almost a bad thing amongst some of my most ‘liberal’ friends. But now that it’s the 4^th of July and no one cares (not that I expect them to) I’m a little surprised that I’ll “miss it.” I’m hosting a small BBQ in the park tomorrow to celebrate, and making the playlist has made me a little sentimental. I even caught myself singing “You’re a grand old flag” while cutting potatoes for salad. ..I mean whaa? 

But I realized I’ve changed my mind about what I think it means to be patriotic. It is not blind allegiance to the red white and blue, and it is not thinking America is #1 (there’s plenty of proof that we’re not, but that’s besides the point). I believe that America does have the potential to be the best country in the world. We have the resources, the manpower, and an entrepreneuial spirit. What being patriotic means to me is being proud of my country’s successes and mourning its failures, while demanding it do better in the future. I love my country and the opportunities it has afforded me, and I believe in its potential. 

So while I know there’s a lot of work to be done, I’m proud to be an American and I’m no longer ashamed to say that I am patriotic.