The retreat was in Garrison, NY on a big, beautiful plot of land with gardens, rolling hills, rock outcrops looking over a valley and mountains, and near a few trail heads for hiking. It was really beautiful. Once we entered silence I spent most of my time on said rock outcrop, loving the quiet, view, and sun. Actually, aside from meals, when it was cold, and any meetings, I ended up spending almost my entire weekend on the rocks. Anyway, the retreat was cool and we did different things like different forms of prayer (meditation, an overnight vigil, etc.) and it turns out the silence wasn't even that hard. Meal times as a big silent group were weird and I got pretty bored on Saturday night when I couldn't stay outside, but besides that I rather enjoyed myself. I also decided that I believe in God. I realized that a lot of me fear and resentment about God was really about the church, and that is still true. I made a list of things I've been told about God and things that I want from/believe in about God, and decided that, while I can't "invent" God, I can believe in a God that most represents me. I haven't gotten far along enough to really know what that looks like, but give me a while, it was only one weekend. I also realized that I don't believe in Jesus and the trinity and all that.
So, that's that about my weekend, and what a snap back to reality it was today. I actually woke up in a good mood today (rare when I'm going to work), but that ended as soon as I stepped out of the elevator and right into the aftermath of a fight. In total I broke up about 4 fights today, and that's after round 1 that I missed in the morning. I was also accused by a resident of stealing from her (what exactly I "stole" I don't even know) and was an emotional punching bag all day long. But that part is pretty normal.
Despite all this I was able to see a big improvement in the behavior of one residents that I probably even wrote about before. She was the one who, if she so much as made one more verbal threat about anyone, was going directly to Rikers. She has since consistently stayed out of the drama, been helpful in distracting girls who would otherwise get involved in drama, and I've seen her defend me more than once when another resident was drinkin the hateoraid. She has an ongoing problem with a resident, perhaps her best friend there, who steals from her bedroom, but today instead of yelling and threatening about it she cried, spoke to her social worker, set up a meditation session with the girl, and got permission to go visit her mother to cool down. I was so proud of her that I pulled her aside to recognize her and thank her. I could tell she really appreciated it which made it even better. Seeing things like that make it so much easier to get through the other stuff. Actually, it's probably the only thing that makes getting through the other stuff possible.
After work I finally made it to the conservatory gardens in Central Park to an impromptu picnic, and it was super beautiful. I even saw a raccoon.
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