i'm like a bird

i dont know where my soul is.
i dont know where my home is.

I am entering into a period of transition. I suck at transition. And this time, it will last about a year.

I've finished my coursework towards my M.S.W. and now have a relatively easy summer semester filled with a self-guided project and paper. That means I have lots of free time to enjoy the weather and squeeze in some travel, but also lots of time to worry about what's coming.

I'm moving back to the US at the end of August. I am applying for a fellowship that I'm really stoked about but it doesn't start until January. I can't even apply for full time jobs, because if I get the fellowship I'll have to quit after just a few months which isn't fair to clients or employers. That means I'll have to apply for 1 or more (probably more) part time jobs to fill my time and replenish (hah!) my bank account. Oh yeah and pay back all those student loans. Then I can quit the jobs at the end of December and do the 6 month fellowship.. and then reevaluate my life again and begin applying for those full time salaried jobs I've been told I'm qualified for.

This is not a solid plan. I have to get more than one job that I probably won't like (menial office work, the mall... I thought I was done with you!), coordinate schedules for more than one employer, go without benefits, and cross my fingers that I make enough money to pay all my bills. Yes, I would rather do this than move back home. AND this nonsense is all for the sake of doing the fellowship - which I haven't been accepted into yet. So, of course, this could all be a big waste of time, specifically five months that I could have used to find full time employment that uses my fancy new degree. Let's hope I get into the fellowship, then, eh?

On top of that, I'm struggling with the idea of where I want to be in the first place. I honestly like living in Montréal very much, but I don't belong here. I'm reminded of that every time I get an email from a prof in French (oops!), have to laugh though (another) joke about fat, dumb Americans, or am clueless about what's going on in pop culture because American websites don't effing work in Canada!!!! (this I find especially frustrating).

But I don't belong in Albany, either. I have some friends there, I know the area, I know I can afford to live there, and most importantly my boyfriend is there, but I don't like it. I was excited to leave Albany and I've really loved the excitement and growth that has come through living in NYC and Montreal. I love living in bigger cities, with the vibrant cultures, beautiful buildings, delicious and diverse food... and Albany just doesn't have that. It has suburbs, parking lots, white trash, lots of drunk college kids, and maybe one good food place in a few ethnic categories. It's not a terrible place, but at this point in my life it's just not for me. But alas, I am going back there and starting over again.

Let the next year of soul crushing doubt, insecurity, anger, anxiety, poverty, and hopefully some more personal growth begin!