close the soa!

A post about our SoA experience, beautifully written by my roommate Lara:
Two weekends ago, six of us GSVs (Alaina, me, Jess, Annie, Krystina, Madeline) road tripped down to Georgia to protest the School of the Americas. For weeks, we had planned and fundraised in order to go. In a nutshell, we decided to go to open our eyes to social justice issues outside of our NYC GSV experience. I don’t want this entry to be unbearably long, so I’ll direct you to the SOA Watch website for an explanation of what SOA is and why exactly we were protesting it: http://www.soaw.org/. But if you have any questions, feel free to ask!

So on the Friday our trip began, we six women loaded up our minivan (generously provided by our GSV program director Pete and fondly christened Darlene) and settled into our bucket seats, mentally preparing ourselves for the approximately eighteen hour drive. It didn’t disappoint. We rotated drivers, each of us driving at least once both ways, made a few wrong turns, sang to pop songs at the top of our lungs, guzzled coffee, played games, used sketchy gas station bathrooms, cheered when we crossed state lines, and snacked like there was no tomorrow (Oreos were a general fave).
Being in a van together for about forty hours over the course of the weekend (not to mention, cramped into a tiny two-bed Motel 6 room Saturday night) wasn’t exactly a soothing cup of tea the entire time. Deliriousness, crankiness, and exhaustion definitely arose. But at the same time, being in a van together as GSVs elicited good conversations, great bonding opportunities, and plain and simple fun. I couldn’t have picked a better group of women with whom to travel and share the SOA protest experience.
Let’s talk about that SOA protest experience. Now this protest wasn’t a door-banging, shouting-til-you’re-hoarse kind of protest. It was a non-violent movement. It involved awareness-raising events, a rally, and a vigil. The protest was about peacefully bringing attention to the SOA and peacefully demanding for the end of the institution.
I thought a lot about peace. Alaina used a tote bag all weekend, emblazoned with Mother Teresa’s beautiful words: “If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.” As a GSV and as someone who has chosen to work for social justice, I think a lot about this idea of belonging to each other. I’m understanding more and more how we are all tied up in each other’s lives. We have responsibilities to each other. And so that inevitably makes me think about the idea of “doing good.” Yes, we must serve each other, but in what capacities? How can I best use my gifts for the good of this world, so that they build and not destroy? At the same time, what can a couple thousand privileged Americans do by being at the gates of SOA?
The answer is create peace. Through the weekend, I realized that we can raise awareness, educate ourselves, and send a message of peace out into the world. We so often forget that we belong to each other. I myself sometimes look for peace as if I could pick it off of a store shelf. I wonder whether to talk to a friend, or go for a run, or journal in order to find peace. But at the end of the day, peace is solidarity. Peace isn’t a one-woman show.
At the beginning of the year at GSV orientation, we each wrote out a mission statement for ourselves. I adopted a quote from St. Mary Euphrasia (foundress of the Good Shepherd Sisters) that says, “Live in peace, unity, zeal, and trust.” I threw in “Just love” (the GSV motto) for good measure. I have tried to focus on the different aspects of that invitation in the last several months. It’s challenging. But during the SOA weekend, I began to see it in a new light. Peace is unity is zeal is trust is love. There’s a hippie saying: peace is underrated. And I’m starting to believe that. Peace isn’t the easy way out. Peace somehow has become hard work. We witnessed that at the protest, through the remembrance of those who lost their lives because they had no peace.
In the short time that we were at the SOA protest (less time than we spent on the road), we witnessed and experienced a connection to our neighbors in Latin America suffering the atrocities inflicted by SOA graduates. We couldn’t see these victims. We couldn’t hear them. But we could feel them. During the Sunday vigil, the main event of the weekend, we carried white crosses individually marked with names of victims. As singers beautifully chanted these names, we lifted those crosses into the air and solemnly responded, “Presente.” We did this for almost three hours. I felt like we were processing in the presence of those remembered. It was a very prayerful and moving experience for me.
Most victims were named. Others were not. Some crosses and chants merely proclaimed recognitions such as, “Unidentified woman, 30 years old” or “Unidentified child, 5 years old.” The word “unidentified” pulled at my heart strings. As a recent college grad, as a transplant from LA to NYC, as a volunteer and community member, my identity has been in a constant state of flux. In many ways, figuring out my identity has been my life’s work so far. I have the beautiful gift of discovering and rejoicing in my identity. Those “unidentified” persons no longer do. For violent reasons.
So, peace. Towards the end of the vigil, we had the amazing opportunity to see activists cross the line. Crossing the line means scaling the barbed wire fence surrounding the SOA and immediately receiving at least three to four months in federal prison for doing so. Two activists crossed the line on Sunday. I saw the second man, David, climb up the fence. He did so very calmly and quietly, before the throngs of people already congregating at the fence cheering and chanting his name. In an instant, he was on the other side. There were military guards waiting and they calmly took him away. I’m sure David had been preparing for that moment for months prior. It almost seemed anti-climactic. He didn’t scramble up the gate and fling himself over. He didn’t break into a run once hitting ground. The guards didn’t hustle him. It was peaceful.
David and the others who crossed the line now have a six month sentence. These activists peacefully have given up six months of their lives in the protest against the SOA. They have found the cause worth enough to give up their freedom. That is enough to make a person like me cry. And it was weird. I wasn’t expecting to, but as soon as I saw David climbing that fence, I started to cry. Something in me was moved, but utterly helpless. I could do nothing. All I could do was stand there and witness.
After the vigil, there was a celebration with music and dancing, a parade and puppetistas, and vendors and food. It was so life-giving. Krystina, Jess, and Madeline somehow ended up holding a banner in the parade. Annie spotted two former GSVs. A couple of us saw friends who had also made the trip from far away and got to catch up. We made new friends. Everyone was so welcoming and energetic. Even after the heavy stuff, we couldn’t help but smile and laugh together. And I guess that’s peace, too! Peace is also a celebration in gratitude. For people, for solidarity, for love.
With that, I think I’ll simply bring this entry to a close. I’m sure I will continue to discover new lessons from our weekend in Georgia. But for now, thank you for reading this and sharing in our experience.
Peace friends,
Lara

november

It’s been a busy last two weeks filled with awesomeness and some lows too.
Lets start with the awesomeness. I lo-lo-lo-LOVE NYC on the weekends. Dave came for a visit one weekend and we explored Queens together, and last weekend I did a podcast walking tour of the LES, visited the tenement museum, went shopping on 5th ave, went to a 1700′s Rococo party.. so much goodness. All of this was done on the super-cheap, and definitely within my simplicity budget. Some highlights:

And the less awesome:
I’ve had some really long days these last two weeks. There has been a lot of drama at work, which is to be expected to some extent, but it seems to be growing between the staff as well. I’m sure it will die down soon, but for now it makes for some stressful days. I’ve also been doing one-to-one with some frequency. One-to-one is basically suicide watch, and its been the same resident for about a month now. I think she’s a wonderful girl but some recent trauma is bogging her down. It’s really exhausting to listen to a young girl talk about suicide for hours at a time. It’s also really scary if you think she might follow through with her talk while you’re watching her. On another level it makes me think of the many ways the social system has failed her (and many of the other girls), which only adds to the element of hopelessness.
On a less dark note it’s application time. I’ve visited three schools now, and have decided to apply to two. I also attended a grad school workshop this week. These events only add more hours to an already exhausting day. I’m excited by the prospect of attending an awesome school next year and having my master’s by the end of the year, but just thinking about my personal statement makes me want to take a nap! ..or watch tv, or eat ice cream, or pluck out my eyeballs, or…
Anyhoozle, SoA is this weekend, and then next week I’ll be off to Albany for Thanksgiving! I’m really psyched for the break. Photos and much, much more about SoA to come. In the meantime, check out http://www.soaw.org/.

i < 3 ny

Not exactly about GSV, but I’ll file it under community. Enjoy.

50 Reasons to Be Pretty Damn Euphoric You Live in New York City

Sometimes life seems hard here — the crowds, the expense, the 24-hour-living-and-working lifestyle…But then there are days, like yesterday, when we’re ever so glad we live in New York City. Like when much of the rest of the nation goes a reddish color of Tea Party, and we stick to coffee and stay (largely) blue. Like when Andrew Cuomo wins against Carl Paladino. And like when the Aeropostale at Times Square institutes an “AERO Dance Cam” to keep the young folks away from the East Village on weekends and allow us to mock them via the Internet…

Here are 50 other reasons to be blissfully happy that you live in New York City today — and every day — that you live here. May it be a very long time. Unless you want to leave, in which case, get the fuck out, and can we have your apartment?
50. Sending your laundry out for someone else to wash and dry it is not only convenient, it’s just good business. Especially since you will probably never own a washer and dryer. Which means you never have to feel guilty about not doing your own laundry. Next.
49. Drinking coffee four times a day, every day, isn’t the exception, it’s the rule.
48. The secret Chick Fil-A at the NYU dining hall.
47. There is always someone crazier than you. ALWAYS.
46. The view from the Brooklyn Bridge.
45. The view of the Brooklyn Bridge.
44. The epic feeling you get running to catch a train and succeeding…just before the doors close.
43. Bored to Death. 30 Rock. SNL. And a million other things that film here and we love. RIP Law and Order.
42. Manhattan-Brooklyn/Brooklyn-Manhattan wars never cease to entertain. Nor do hipster-Hasid wars. Or hipsters in general.
41. We get the inside jokes. Because, actually, we made them up in the first place.
40. That horrified look on our parents’ friends’ faces when we tell them we live in “Hell’s Kitchen.”
39. Sure, we work out next to Alec Baldwin, Padma Lakshmi, and Bridget Moynahan, and walk the streets with Willem Dafoe, Maggie Gyllenhaal, and Tina Fey, but, really, we’re kinda too busy with our own lives to notice.
38. Drinking is like breathing. Or slightly more acceptable.
37. Because it’s not enough to just love New York. New York needs to love you back, too. Hey, we have high standards.
36. Whatever you need, whenever you need it, there is someone who will bring it to you for a price, which may or may not be negotiable. (Or legal.)
35. By the time the rest of the nation has bedbugs, we’ll have figured out how to get rid of them. In the meantime, we’ll mock them by dressing our dogs up as bedbugs for Halloween. Laugh in the face of fear, New Yorker!
34. There are almost 200 bars in the East Village alone.
33. There’s no shortage of stupid rich people to make fun of.
32. The endless delights of the New York Post.
31. You don’t even need a passport, or a license, to partake in goat-eyeball tacos.
30. The fact that one-bedroom apartments cost an average minimum of a half-million dollars means we think nothing of spending $12 on lunch.
29. Restaurants are as common as single men and women. And equally diverse. And you never have to see either of them again after the initial awkward encounter.
28. The omnipresent opportunity to Gaga-ify yourself. And the chance that it will seem, just, normal.
27. Runnin’ Scared lives here! (And so does the Village Voice.)
26. Smart people are the norm, not the exception. (Which doesn’t mean they’re sane, but at least no one’s boring.)
25. Except in select ‘hoods like Park Slope and perhaps the Upper West Side, children are viewed as mysterious beings, rarely sighted and only occasionally understood, like pixies or magical small butlers. Until they scream, in which case, they are banished from the palace.
24. When you fly back into the city after a vacation or business trip, no matter how long you’ve lived here, you get that butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling.

23. Efficiency in a drugstore checkout line.
22. How easy it is to find doughnuts, pizza, Chinese food, or any other snack your drunken self desires at 4 a.m. Or to continue to drink. Responsibly!
21. Broadway. Museums. CULTCH-AH. Even if you never actually go to see anything (though you should, at least once).
20. Yelling “fuck” is just a mild obscenity.
19. There’s no shame in sticking your fingers in your ears like an anal weirdo when an ambulance goes by screeching.
18. Summer concerts at the Williamsburg Waterfront.
17. So many Missed Connections, so little time.
16. Other places have dog and cat people. We have ferret people.
15. The splendor of the Union Square Greenmarket.
14. A bagel with cream cheese and lox from Russ and Daughters.
13. There is an insane Korean day spa (Spa Castle) waiting for you in Flushing. And Russian and Turkish baths in the East Village.
12. One of our bars has 100-year-old urinals.
11. Complain about the MTA, but you can get anywhere in the city for just $2.25. Or $2.50 single ride, come 2011. Still pretty damn cheap.
10. Subway rage. Bike-lane rage. Walking rage. Random rage. These are our therapy. Although we all go to therapy, too. No judgments! We bitch, therefore we are.
9. Jaywalking is an art form.
8. The free Ikea ferry to Red Hook on weekends! Plus, Red Hook in general. Can you say “Lobster pound”?
7. Subway “prewalking,” in which you walk to the exact right spot on the platform to board the train car that will save you the most time upon exit, exists and has a name. Gotta respect.
6. You can be alone, but never feel lonely. And vice versa. But if you die and aren’t found until a year later, you won’t be the first.
5. We are, as a group, anti-fanny-pack as much as we are pro-gay-marriage. Hetero marriage, on the other hand, we can pretty much take or leave.
4. 35 is the new 26. Or is it 45? Whatever, age ain’t nuthin’ but a number, and as long as you’re younger than your IQ score, no harm, no foul.
3. Finding your “local” is that much better here.
2. There is absolutely no reason to ever drink and drive. Added bonus: Spontaneous, fascinating conversations with cab drivers.
1. If you can make it here, you really can make it anywhere. But why would you bother to go anywhere else?
(Taken from the Village Voice).

two months in

I’ve been a GSV for just about two months now, and it seems that the honeymoon phase is officially over. I am still thrilled that I made the choice to be a GSV and I continue to love the program and living in the city, but my once rose-tinted glasses seem to have faded into a more realistic view of my life this year.
Mostly it’s exhausting. I work a 40 hour week (officially), but I often put in extra time. Each hour is incredibly demanding emotionally and psychologically. The stories of my girls’ pasts are each horrific, and that leads to many problems on the floor, including drug abuse, prostitution, and a lack of direction/goals for the future. Many of the girls have very low self-esteem and struggle to get along with each other, depending on the day. Today alone I was dealing with girls in a tiff over $20 missing (one girl suspects the other of theft), and now each side is rallying a group of supporters and the tension is building to the point that I feel a classic Jets vs. Sharks rumble is coming. One girl is working the local projects with the hopes of getting pregnant. One had a criminal case today because she beat up her previous care taker in an extreme way (and she is now threatening to jump me). One girl is staying on our floor from downstairs on respite because she was jumped there last night. Two of our girls are in respite downstairs and are being threatened as well. Several are recently returned from rehab, and several others are self-medicating on a daily basis. Other girls are simply refusing to get up and go to school, which leaves us as an agency susceptible to penalties for educational neglect of the girls. This was just what happened today.
Working in this environment offers me incredible professional experience, and I really feel like I’m putting my degree to work. I feel challenged every day, and I have supportive staff and supervisors. I also have lots of positive interactions with the girls, and I feel like I am helping them in a small way. That being said, there is no way to make it through days like today without feeling completely drained and overwhelmed.
These feelings are further enhanced by our GSV community and spirituality nights. I enjoy these nights very much, and I feel that my community has grown to be very strong. Nevertheless, after an 8 hour shift sometimes there’s nothing I want to do more than lie in bed and watch TV by myself. Learning to balance my desires with my GSV commitments and community has been a challenge for me these past two weeks. It’s forcing me to reevaluate my self-care habits, and led me to take my first yoga class in 5 years. It went well, and I’m making it a goal to attend 2-3 times per week. I also need to stop buying Starbucks frequently under the guise of self-care.
I’m looking forward to the upcoming holiday season and all of the excitement it will bring, but I am also apprehensive because I know it is a time of frequent crises at work. I’m hopeful, though, that my soon-to-be reduced caffeine intake and attendance at yoga classes will help me to stay balanced and focused as my GSV year continues.

And now, some pictures:
Central Park

Halloween Party

Rally to Restore Sanity/Fear

community retreat

Last time I wrote I promised an update after our community retreat, and a whole week has passed since then! Time flies, I’m telling you. Well friends, here you are, a (late) account of our community retreat:
Astoria loaded up in a GSS minivan and headed up to Ossining, NY on Thursday evening to being our retreat. We were met by a delicious meal of chili and cornbread, and after a brief intro socialized with the other communities before heading to bed. Friday began bright and early with lots of solitude, where we were asked to reflect about the strengths and weaknesses we see in our community and ourselves thus far. In the afternoon we were lead in an Enneagram activity, which provided us insight into our personality types and how we interact with other personalities. It was really interesting, and scarily accurate for most of us. It also sparked conversations that lasted the duration of the retreat (“As a 9 I feel..”, “You’re such a 4!”, etc.).
Saturday was when things got a little stickier for Astoria. We spent almost the entire day sitting in a circle and discussing our strengths and weaknesses as individuals and as a community. We were at it for at least six hours. Our discussions ranged from silly to uncomfortable, and was as gratifying as it was intense. Some issues that had been brewing came to a head, however I think our community did an exceptional job at listening to every side of the issue, as well as approaching our group weaknesses from a place of love and concern for each other and our community. This prevented  feelings of being attacked, or the development of a lasting bitterness or discomfort between each other.
Sunday was  devoted to creating a solid plan to move toward bettering two issues we decided were the most challenging to our community. We chose communication and balance, and decided to work on them by creating a space on our whiteboard where we give each other brief daily updates and by committing to engage in one non-GSV-required activity each week. These activities will either be fun or social justice oriented. We will also begin each community and spirituality night with a round of happy/crappy to increase conversation amongst those of us who aren’t frequently able to talk about our days.
While I had been dreading the community retreat and the inevitable confrontation of our community weaknesses, I am now very grateful that we were provided with the opportunity to do so.  Our community made lots of progress in the space of only three days, and have so far kept up with our new commitments to each other. I hope that the retreat experience will enable us to confront issues sooner in the future, and that we will continue to move in a positive direction that enables us to just love.

struggles

Hi friends,
I am struggling. It’s only Wednesday, and work this week has already been overwhelming. Community is getting a good shake-up, my self-care is slacking. I cheated at simplicity this week. Spirituality isn’t even on my radar.

Well, I’ll start with work. I had to work on Monday (Columbus Day) to compensate for a day I took off next weekend. It turned out to be alright, minus the fact that it was beautiful weather outside while I was inside. Girls who generally don’t get along spent most of their shift having fun together playing wii and giving each other pedicures. I saw this as a mini-miracle, because Sunday night was pretty chaotic from what I understand. This was the result of having two girls fresh back from rehab, the arrival of  a new resident, and the return of one resident who had been on respite, all in one weekend.

Yesterday we saw some backlash from the girls getting along on Monday. Each girl I saw was lashing out in their own way, and I was yelled at and challenged by a resident for the first time. While I think I generally handled it well, I did apologize to her later for the things I said that could have used some improvement. Today I saw a resident who returned from a week-long AWOL (running away) last night, and spent a majority of my day with her in the psych-ER and doing her one-on-one (suicide watch). She recently endured a series of traumatic experiences which caused her instability. This was my first experience being given the responsibility to care for someone who is feeling suicidal, and it was very draining and overwhelming. I was also confused and disappointed by the way other staff handled the situation.

Community has taken a shift to the back burner in my mind over the last week. It’s really difficult to focus on participating in a community actively when dealing with such stressful situations at work all day, and when some community members have been traveling recently. Then I plan to be out of town for the next two weekends (not counting this one, when we will all be on retreat together).

Last night we had a combined community/spirituality night, where we had a really great discussion about a wide range of topics. This lead to several revealing emails, where roommates opened up about what issues they’re dealing with personally and relating to GSV. It seems like feelings of disconnect and overwhelmed-ness are common for several of us. This brings us to this weekend, which is a retreat focused on issues in community. According to Peter we’re going to be “stirring the pot” to stimulate open communication regarding community issues in a safe environment. My instinct recently has been to retreat to my room when feeling overwhelmed, so I am not looking forward to this constant discussion about community and our feelings. I am hopeful, though, that it will help us to accept our work/life situations and bring the focus back to the GSV program we came here to experience.

In terms of self-care I had a really great Sunday. I slept in, went to get a bagel and got my nails done/eyebrows waxed at a new cheap place. I think I’m going to make it my weekly routine. I like the idea of being a regular at the bagel place, and alternating getting my eyebrows and nails done will help me feel like I’m treating myself without breaking the Simplicity Bank. Aside from Sunday, though, I’ve felt recently like every second of my time is being scheduled for something, and by the time I have a moment to myself all I want to do is lie in bed. Right now, for example, I still have a list of at least three things I need to accomplish before I go to bed. And my day started at 6:00 am. This is draining for both me and my community (see last paragraph).

I think that I have been doing well as simplicity in general, but this week I did cheat and buy a purse for $25 at Forever 21. It’s so cute! It’s small so it wont hurt my back! I know, I’m rationalizing. But I will try not to do it again any time soon.

Spirituality? Like I said, off my radar for the time being.

I suppose that brings y’all up to speed. Wish me luck this weekend.

week 5

Has another week really gone by already? Madness, I tell you.
This time warp might be related to the fact that this month I am not once working a full 40 hour week (yesss!). This week we were excused from work early on Monday to visit some of the Good Shepherd Sisters at the GS Peace and Justice office, just blocks away from the UN. We started with a tour of the UN (very cool) and finished by speaking to the sisters about the work that they do. It’s very interesting, and there’s even rumor about a possible volunteer placement with these sisters and the UN next year.

I was also excused from work on Wednesday, because I went back home to Albany to participate in a volunteer fair on SUNY’s campus. It was interesting to be back on campus in my post-student life, and to see all the students interact with each other and the school. I had the best booth (obviously) and got two whole pages of student to sign up to receive more information! It was also nice to visit my friends and family while I was in town.

That’s all for now, but I promise another fun-filled post next week after our first (community) retreat!