Melt Down

True to form, I made it about one week in my new home before having a slightly exaggerated crisis. A few days ago I was boppin along, thinking about how wonderful Montreal is. How nice everyone is, how pretty it is, how lucky I am, yanno. So I'm just gonna bop along over to the neighborhood (as opposed to the big box) grocery store for some dinner ingredients. I get everything rung up at the register and they don't take my type of card. The cashier sends me to an ATM across the street to get some cash. I begrudgingly agree (my card is debit and credit!) but I get to the ATM and I'm denied. I know I have money, so I try again. Denied again. Frustrated and slightly embarrassed I call customer service. I forgot to call and tell them I'm abroad, but the man promises that now it should work just fine. I try again and am denied. Undeterred, I walk decently far to a Scotia Bank where they have an agreement/partnership with my bank. I put the card in but not only am I denied but the machine keeps my card?!#$!? Now I am really upset. I call again, I'm shuffled through customer service, and I finally get a very kind woman who is sympathetic to me. No food and no money in a foreign county after business hours.. I mean, I was sounding a bit pathetic. So she and are are on the phone for a little more than half an hour, with her fielding possible solutions that are impossible because of this or that bullshit reason. By this point I'm sitting on the floor in the corner of the ATM area crying and snotting all over myself while people come in and out to make their successful ATM transactions. (I would like to mention that although everyone I've met so far has been wonderfully nice to me, no one in the ATM stopped to see if I was ok or even wanted a tissue. What's up with that, Montreal?!). Anyway, we the bank lady and I figure the only thing that can be done for me instantly is to call someone and ask for a money wire. I find this extremely embarrassing but call my aunt who isn't home. I then give up and return home, a pathetic blubbering mess.

Now, if I had taken the time to be calm and rational I could have realized that all I needed was to order a new ATM card. It's not like I had nothing to eat at home, I would just have to eat cereal or something for dinner. And of course I have roommates who wouldn't let me starve in front of them. Also I do have money in a bank account here, I just need to wait until business hours to access it because my new card is coming in the mail. But none of this was going through my head at the time. All I could think was 'no food, no money, no way to get these things' in loop. How silly. I got home and Laurene, seeing I was upset, immediately began comforting me and offering to lend me cash over and over again. I kept saying no thank you, I can get it tomorrow, so then instead she went out and got some beer for us to share and offered anything that was hers in the fridge to eat. I knew she'd be nice, so why was I so consumed in this useless train of thought? I'll chalk it up to lots of stress coming from the move. It is my pattern, I've realized by now: have a superstar first week in a new place, followed by one big, overexaggerated meltdown from the built up stress, and then return to life as normal. Well, I'm glad that's over with.

First Impressions

These last few days have been jam packed. You really forget how much you assume or take for granted when you're at home, or at least in your own country. In addition to getting the regular student things taken care of (id cards, registration schedules, etc) I have also been scrambling to get a Canadian cell phone and bank account, transfer money around several places so I can pay my rent tomorrow, and other things, mostly in a different language. I'm lucky in that most people in Montreal can speak at least some English, but I find it pretty embarrassing to walk up to someone without a word of French. I registered for lessons, though, and I'm trying to watch French speakers interact as much as possible so I can pick up phrases quickly.

Aside from those little quirks i LOVE it here. The weather is georgeous, the city is beautiful, my apartment is in a great location and I've been walking everywhere, my roommates are very kind.. it's great. I was warned by a faculty at the MSW program that I may feel isolated because most of the students in my program were here together last year. Actually, she more than warned me, she practically told me to forget about having friends. But I attended the MSW orientation yesterday followed by a PGSS (post-doctoral and graduate student services) social event, and everyone was SO friendly! They were very engaging in conversation, offered a lot of advice, and didn't make me feel like an outsider at all. I was even invited to a party someone in the department was throwing! I went and brought Islam and it was pretty cool. It was an interesting crowd but again everyone was so welcoming to me and said things like ''we're glad you came" and "see you in class". I was as happy as a clam.

School starts tomorrow. Although I still don't have a field placement I'm not concerned - everything will fall into place soon enough. For now I'm excited to meet more people in my program and learn. Wish me luck!

bienvenue

Last week I went down to the city to bid adieu to my gsv year.
I first stopped at 17th street to visit the girls. I knew I shouldn't have any expectations as to who would be there and how they would or would not respond to my (surprise) visit, but I could not have anticipated what I saw when I got there: no one. The girls are taken on trips once or twice a year, and of course, the day I went to see them was one of those days. They were on a long weekend trip to the Pochonos for some end of summer fun. I visited with the only girl who stayed behind (because she cursed out the director a few days previous) and she was happy to see me. She's one of the ones I couldn't wait to escape from, but seeing her again was quite nice. She was climbing a wall, litterally, when I got there, so the visit kept me from having rose-colored memories of my year, but I was glad that I could distract her for some time and give a bit of relief to my former coworkers who were on shift. I was actually surprised by my level of disappointment when I didn't get to see some of the girls I had been closest to. I left them a note and the cookies I made them; I hope they saw them and at least know I tried to see them.

I visited a few spots around my old places (Trader Joe's Wine Shop for a few bottles of two-buck Chuck, Blossom for the best $23 mani/pedi in the world) and then made the trek to Staten Island to visit this year's GSV's at their orientation. I was immediately welcomed into the group even though I felt like somewhat of an outsider the whole time. I participated in a few minor things offering the alumni perspective and advice, but my main reason for wanting to go was to say a "final" goodbye to my roommates going abroad - Jess, Krystina and Lar. We and the other GSV alum had a great evening holed up in a bedroom with cookies, wine, memories, and friendship. It was just as I had hoped it would be, with some reminiscence, some discussion of our present and future, but mostly the comfortable feeling you only have around friends you know you can be yourself around.

In the morning I watched as an outsider as the new Astoria volunteers began to get acquainted, and was really not feelin it. Us alum were strongly encouraged by Jon and Pete to come and stay, but I couldn't shake my own feelings of not belonging. I was feeling like that person who doesn't get it that their time has passed and they need to move on. And that's a good thing I think. I needed to feel that to get closure, because the truth is I don't belong there anymore. It was a hard pill to swallow because my best friends from GSV are staying on for additional time and I know that I will not be a part of their new experiences. It's ok, though, because now I'm in Montreal having a new experience of my own.

Speaking of which, I'm in Montreal now! I moved up yesterday and am as settled as I'll get for a few more days. The drive took about 6 hours instead of the usual 4, thanks to a combination of driving slowly because of my mattress on my dads car and the long wait at the boarder. I had to go inside to present my visa and passport and was told by everyone I'd breeze right through. Well, that was sort of true, minus the line of other international students, my anxiety, needing to pee after drinking coffee while driving, and my own stupidity. I had thought ahead "hey, maybe I should gather my important documents for the boarder just in case". then "no, that's silly, i already gave them my documents I won't need anything". idiot. they did need all my documents, which were scattered throughout boxes and bags between two cars in two different parking lots around the Canadian boarder. so I had to do a bit of running around compiled with an extreme amount of nerves and a good amount of embarrassment, because every time I gave the lady one document she told me to turn around and go look for another. and another. and she heckled me every time, too. seriously. ask Dave.

ANYWAY, i made it through the boarder and into what is now my Montreal apartment. My roommates were fabulous and helped carry everything in, they had gotten clean sheets out for me in case I needed them, and they stayed in for most of the evening to share beer with Dave and I as we got to know each other a bit. They're both quite interesting and have ridiculous international lives and circles of friends. They're also very smart and kind, and I'm really looking forward to knowing them more.

It is now a rainy day so we're all inside doing our own things with some Miles Davis in the background. I have a long list of important (read stressful) things to take care of tomorrow, but for now I don't care. I'm excited about this next part of my life, these great people I'll share it with and the beautiful city I now call home.

"vacation"

When you have things to write about you're so busy doing things that you don't actually take the time to update a blog such as this. I've been a GSV-alum for 2 1/2 weeks now, and time is flying. the month of August was supposed to be a pseudo vacation for me, being that it's my break between my volunteer year and returning to student-hood. while I've been on vacation for a few weeks now, i can hardly say I've been relaxing. in the last two weeks, I've been kayaking in Vermont, in Montreal to check out apartments, down to the beach in Virginia/North Carolina for some impromptu surf lessons (awesome, go do it), up to the derty jers for krystina's going away party, and have since had my family from Virginia in town as we attempt to move my grandpa out of his house and into assisted living. and all this while trying to catch up with my Albany friends and figure out all the things I need to get done to prep for McGill. phew. just a few days ago I looked at the calendar and realized I was planning to move next week. I don't know if that'll actually happen now, but it was quite a surprise. I've been saying I'm moving "in a few weeks" that I forgot to check exactly how many weeks are left!

On the topic of McGill, I've had several false starts but it looks like things are moving along well now. Just yesterday I heard that my visa was finally approved, and today I got an update on possible internship opportunities. My options so far are IBCR, an agency that does research, advocacy and policy on children's issues such as human trafficking, sex tourism, and child slavery, and another agency that does a lot of fund raising and philanthropic work in Montreal. I really want to do IBCR - it sounds perfect based on my academic interests and thesis. Now I have to jump through all the hoops of applying. The other doesn't interest me at all, but the woman coordinating internships seems to want me to do it because I know she has connections there. Fortunately for me, I don't think I speak enough French to do it so I can't be coerced into taking that position. I'm waiting until tomorrow to hear if I can take the apartment I liked from my visit a few weeks ago. I really hope it works out - it seems like a great fit for me and also it would mean that everything is in place for me to move up whenever I'm ready. Then I could relax for the next week here. If it doesn't work I'll be disappointed (again) and have to go up to look for another place (again). So here's hopin.

Aside from possibly continuing my apartment search, for the next week and a half I have several appointments, lots more people to see, packing, tying up loan paperwork, applying for that internship, and hopefully having some fun left to do. Plus, I'm planning to go down to NYC for a day next week to see my lovely former roommates one last time before they depart for their years as international GSVs! I'm so excited!! So, that relaxing vacation I dreamed about may need to wait a little longer..

Car Ride Reflections

During a car ride back to good ol' Dlink some roommates and I got to talking about the impending end of the year. Yay, we're almmost done, but what had we learned? Have we changed? Has anything changed? It sure feels like it has, but when it's time to explain what this year has been to me I always seems to fall short. Words like "wonderful, incredible, challenging, growth, love, community, amazing" and more come to my mind readily, but what do those words really mean? I never feel that they can adequately explain the magnitude of what my communitymates and I have experienced together.

I will not attempt to define any of those things for you, but here is an abbreviated list of the changes I have noticed in myself over the course of the past year.

-I've begun to realize the depth and ways in which my need to control impact my relationships with others, especially those who also like/need to control. The same is true of my relationships with external situations, for example at work.
-I learned how to ask for help. I saw a therapist, and I cautiously opened up to my roommates, who proved to be my best support of the year.
-I learned the value of self care: when to say 'no, I've done enough today', when to say 'it's ok to mindlessly watch tv for a little while, everything else can wait'. Also, I learned to create rituals for myself, like nails and bagels on Sunday mornings.
-I worked on becoming more independent. If I wanted to do something in the city and no one was around I did it anyway, by myself. I never did that before.
-I became more aware of my "blunt honesty" and how others around me receive it. Apparently, not everyone likes it as much as I do.
-Most importantly, although I recognize these changes, I don't think that I personally have changed. I feel like this year of GSV has made me a better, more aware version of the person I have always been. I have become a better version of myself.

Apartment

Good news! I had a skype date today with my potential new roommates and it went really well! I got a virtual tour of the place, which is a renovated building from the 20's. It still has its old time charm and it seemed pretty big. The girls seemed nice and not bro-ish, and its on the high end of affordable. Plus it includes parking! I'm going to visit in real life, and potentially other places too, in August to seal the deal, but if nothing changes it looks like I found my new home =]

Now all I need is a visa...

Alaska + Vacation + the beginning of the end

Last week my Aunt took my sister and I to Anchorage for a long weekend to visit her son/our cousin Anthony. It was a really cool trip - definitely not one I would have planned for myself, but that makes it even better! We had a nice break in a string of crappy weather.. highs of about 60 and sunny. I never saw it get dark, or even dusky because the sun is currently up for almost the full 24 hours for summer. We went to a bunch of state and national parks, hiked up to a glacier, saw sea and land animal conservation centers, went on a glacier cruise (we saw a whale!) and visited a Native American cultural center which was really great. It was nice to see my aunt again and my cousin who I haven't spoken to almost since childhood and my sister and I had a nice time together, too.

I returned to an almost full week off here in NYC and Dave came to visit for 6 days. It was the perfect vacation.. the kind where you're not at work and you're not thinking about it, either! We didn't do very much so it was really relaxing and a perfect break from the craziness that is the ending of GSV and prep for Montreal and McGill. Now that I'm back at work I only have two weeks left!

I feel a lot different about work, in part from being on vacation and also because I'm leaving soon. I've said that I hate work constantly throughout this year, but by the time I was getting ready to go back on Monday I was really excited to see the girls and wondering what they had all been up to. I showed Dave a bunch of pictures of them from throughout the year and kept telling him "She had a really crappy life and earlier this year she did this and this and this but now she does this!" It was a refreshing change in my own thought process.

I've been back for three days so far, and I am so impressed. The girls started their summer internships, and they've all had perfect attendance so far! It's sad but money (not even much of it) is really the only thing that works to motivate them. Even if money is the main factor they've been coming home beat, maybe complaining a little but you can tell that they have a lot of pride in their work and are very pleased with themselves. Today, for the first time in recent memory, a group of about 5 girls were sitting in the kitchen eating together and talking. It's incredible the changes that occur in the community when the residents are focused on themselves and their goals. They're too distracted to worry about gossip or drama, and they have a new level of confidence. It was so wonderful to see and I told them so. They told me to stop being cheesy. I guess some things will never change.

When I returned from vacation I posted the monthly calendar of events, which includes my last day. A bunch of girls noticed and asked me about it, saying it came too quickly and that they'll miss me. It's really incredible to see that after a year of a lot of nonsense and little appreciation that they do notice the work I do. I know that my being pleased with this is selfish, and that purpose is to be there for them and to serve them, but knowing that they appreciate my being there is so, so gratifying. My caring about them was noticed, but more importantly, they care. My hope is that they don't just see me as a nice volunteer, but that they internalize the message that someone cares about them, enough to spend a whole year with them being treated like crap with almost no reward, just because they matter. I want them to know how much they matter.

The building is holding a going away party for Jess, Krystina and I, and I know that I will probably get a card and a small gift. I'm really excited for the party because I hope it is a time when all the girls come together for a happy (or to them possibly sad) occasion and we can just relive happy memories from the year and appreciate each other. I'm making a photobook of the year to leave for the floor, and I'm also going to make them each personalized cards telling them how proud I am of them, and to offer them some ongoing encouragement. I hope they like them, and I really hope my leaving can be seen as a positive event and that it doesn't spark any more incidents (because they may be sad/abandoned/angry and not know how to handle these emotions).

And for my future life.. not much has happened. I still don't have an internship or apartment lined up, but it's definitely not for a lack of trying. I am able to register for classes now, I just haven't gotten to it yet. I'm still waiting to hear about my visa and was told to call on Friday to ask for an update. As soon as I go back up to Albany I'll be able to focus on all of these things full time, plus find out my financial aid offer! It will be such a relief!