2011 est fin.

January: An AWESOME New Year’s Eve out in NYC.

                Depression, thought about quitting GSV, therapy.

                Grad school applications.

February: Retreat in Wikitunk, Super Bowl party.

                Recovery from depression.

                Birthday fun. 

March: Miami.

            Accepted to McGill and Hunter.

            Community silliness.

April: McGill visit.

          Scranton weekend.

          Discovered Rachel Lloyd / GEMS.

May: Resumed exploring NYC.

         Silent retreat.

         Charles got fired.

Annie moved to LA.

Becoming comfortable with “God.”

Signed up for French lessons.

June: Killer heat wave.

                Sarah’s wedding.

                Anxiety about next year.

                TCI training.

                Jess’ cabin.

                SCAVENGER HUNT!

July: Alaska.

                Deep thoughts about leaving GSV/NYC.

                Gay marriage legalized in New York State.

                Last day at Marian Hall.

                Going away parties.

                Re-O.

August: Surf lessons in VA.

                Going away party for Paraguayans.

                Canadian visa approved.

                More McGill anxiety.

                New GSV orientation, saying goodbye to my former roommates
                 (and crying til Brooklyn).

                Moved to Montréal.

September: Car broken into.

                Lack-of-internship anxiety.

                Exploring Montréal.

                Cultural and language struggles.

                Parents “adopted” a new dog.

October: Midterms.

                New friends.

                Started interning at IBCR.

                Homesick for GSV and NYC.

                6 year anniversary with Dave.

                                       

November: Overworked with classes and internship. Dissatisfied with the organizational culture at

my internship.

Planning my research of commercially sexually exploited youth in the justice system. Getting really excited and motivated by the awesomeness of McGill.

             Making friends at my internship.

            Thanksgiving/family reunion in D.C.

December: Offered research opportunity within Montréal from McGill.

                Continuing to plan my own research project in NYC and Montréal.

                The Nutcracker.

                Awesome holiday work party.

                Invited to Italy for work conference.

                Parents got rid of one of the dogs for fighting too much.

                Christmas home.

Agenda for 2012: Graduate, get a job, start paying off student debt. No sweat.

c'est la vie

yesterday:
-i was invited to a UN Department of Peacekeeping Operations conference for a week in Italy because of the work I've been doing at my internship
-a boy I very much dislike farted really loudly at work
-we had an awesome holiday party with good people, good food, and unlimited wine
-I got a very nice compliment from a co-worker

today:
-my car wouldn't start this morning. grand total: 2 1/2 hours of wasted time, $170 repair
-my parents had to get rid of one of our dogs

maybe tomorrow will fall somewhere in the middle.

another email excerpt

this is another excerpt from an email sent to my fabulous roommates from last year (because i didnt feel like writing it all over again)

today was also really exciting because i had a meeting with my advisor, where i learned two things. one: i knew i needed to take a summer course, but i learned today that i can do the study i sent earlier and get credit instead of taking another lecture. SO COOL. i get practical experience, i can put it on my resume, and I make my own schedule. doesnt get much better than that! funny story to go with this: i was telling my prof that i missed new york because people were real - if they dont like you they tell you, if you mess up they tell you. here, everyone smiles then talks behind your back. I told her ''as my roommate (a canadian) told me, "all canadians are tellytubbies."'' so, she said '''i know the perfect person for you! 'shes loud and gets in your face and complains and shell meddle in your work! she needs someone for a project; are you interested?" to which i said yes, of course! so there ya go. now ill be doing research for her, interviewing kids/teens in the youth justice/youth protection system =] (details about the project below)

in other awesome news, i think i mentioned to you guys that I had designed this grant proposal? well, to make it short I designed a proposal for a grant ($30,000!) and then found out i cant get it because im not canadian. but i thought it was a good idea and i didnt want to give up on it, and today i got (tentative) approval to use my idea as my isp!!!! isp is independent study project, which can either be a thesis (as i had planned on doing) or a practical (which I will now do). the project is basically a lit review and then needs assessment of the existing best practices and current practices used for teens/youth who are pressing charges against people who have molested or sexually exploited them. it was 100% inspired by stories from marian hall and other disturbing news stories of cops raping kids. and of course law and order svu. =x SO ill be submitting a formal proposal in march and hopefully conducting research in nyc this summer!!!! i plan to interview people at 17th street and a few other organizations ill be researching. i am SO excited =]]]]]

besides school news, my internship is getting better. i made a solid friendship with one girl and casual friends with the others, and i finally got an interesting assignment. im now doing data analysis of military training documents from armies around the world to see how they train soldiers on youth protection. its cool stuff, but really sad to see that about 50% is dedicated to telling troops not to/ to stop raping civilians and children. did you know that one of the best indicators to measure the growth in prostitution and sexual exploitation in a poor country is the presence of peacekeeping troops? disgusting. but, im glad to finally be doing meaningful and stimulating work with a purpose =]

aside from spewing about my nerdy interests, life is good =] i went to DC for thanksgiving to see my entire extended family. it was not said, but everyone went with the assumption that itll be the last time were all together before my grandpa dies. i had a good time and was really happy i was able to go, but i think you always forget how warped and crazy your family is until you see them all in one (dry!) place. yikes. luckily, im still young enough that i can spend most of my time playing monopoly with my cousins =]


details about my practical course:

The Writers in the Community (WIC) program is jointly run by the Quebec Writers’ Federation (QWF), and The Centre for Literacy. The WIC program, started in 2003, is designed to expose marginalized teenagers and youth who have been left out of the artistic and social mainstreams to writers who present them with opportunities from the literary arts. The WIC program pays a writer-facilitator to go into schools and youth-based community organizations to facilitate writing groups for eight sessions and selects two locations a year. Each group normally consists of 5-10 participants, most of whom are under the age of 18.

 

 

These two organizations are interested in collaborating with the McGill School of social work to carry out a program evaluation of the WIC program. This evaluation would focus on interviewing the youth who have participated in the program. As the QWF/Centre for Literacy work in partnership with Batshaw Youth and Family Centres (BYFC), a research submission application to the BYFC ethics committee is required in order to proceed. It is hoped that approximately 15-20 youth would be interviewed.

On a mission

McGill is offering a funding for a fellowship that looks awesome. It's up to $30,000 to do any project anywhere in the world. The stipulations are that it needs to address a need expressed by the community, be realistic, and be sustainable. Pretty easy, right?

That's why I decided to go for it. Usually I don't even read those types of emails, figuring they aren't available to me or that me/my ideas would be good enough anyway so why bother? But getting into McGill and doing pretty well here has boosted my ego, so I got all excited about it, drafted a basic plan, and started mentioning it to my contacts to see what came back. The response was positive, so I felt good. I've been really excited about it and thinking about it a lot, and I enjoy thinking about it and planning it.

I went to an info session about the grant today to check out the competition, and I am so disappointed. One of the criteria I had somehow overlooked is that you need to be a Canadian citizen or permanent resident. HOW DID I MISS THAT?!??!$ At first I was crushed. Now, though, I don't care. I have a good idea, the experience and credentials needed to back it up, and I'm going to try and do it anyway. I'm going to continue reaching out to my contacts, try to make new ones, and look for alternate sources of funding. I'm on a mission!

daycare

A few weeks ago I was really excited. I got the internship I had wanted since I first heard about it back in New York. I went in, optimistic and ready to learn, only to be stopped in my tracks. Now, only a few weeks later, I greedily log my hours, knowing that every hour I write down is one less I need to complete. One less day I need to go back.

I've made a few friends and my supervisor is nice. The one above her, not so much, but there’s nothing I can do about that. Also, my job is interesting on paper. Why is it, then, that I feel like I go to adult daycare every day?          

                        Don’t be late! Even five minutes will earn you a reprimand.

Don’t talk! Even though our office is set up in desk clusters according to project so you can talk to your coworkers.

Don’t take breaks! I’m allowing myself some leeway here, but the consensus among the other interns is that internet breaks are trouble. No facebook, no gmail, not even for five minutes an hour.

So what do you do to give your brain a break, I asked them. Apparently they water the plants, do their dishes, make coffee.. yanno, more work. To take a break from work.

Is there something I’m missing here? I know I come here to work and that it is a job. But really, I feel like I come here and keep my head down for nine hours a day to do nothing. My assignments are not important, and they are few and far between. Right now I’m almost done with something not due for another week and a half, so I do a bit every day but spend time doing homework whenever possible. I’m not growing here. I’m not learning much except that working in an office sucks and maybe I was wrong when I thought this is what I wanted to do with my life. Who could stand to do this every day until they’re 65?!

I just need to pull through for another 3.5 months and get on with my life.

exerpts from an email sent to my fellow dlinkies

(because it was way too long to re-type)

its midterm season already. can you believe it?! luckily i dont have any, but i do have a bunch of projects and presentations coming up. grad school is pretty different from undergrad in terms of the type and quality of work you do, but i dont mind because we can pick all of our topics. right now im working on a presentation about social work interventions to survivors of FGM, a presentation explaining a project in Scotland targeting Johns to deter prostitution and human trafficking, and a reserach proposal for a comparative social policy analysis surrounding the laws of prostitution. fun stuff!

i started my internship yesterday! i chose the one at IBCR (the one I really wanted from the time I heard about it in ny). im nervous about it though, mostly because of the schedule. my uni suggests an internship during the year for 2 days a week or one full time for the summer only. they require you do it full time for 4 months, starting yesterday. so i have NO idea how ill work full time and manage full time courses, but the internship is PERFECT for what I want to do so the risk is worth it. it will end at the end of february, which i realized yesterday means ill be swamped for the whole ski season =[

...and a little about my first day. boring, of course. a lot of listening and reading to learn about what ill be getting involved in. its a small office, about 5 staff and 5 interns. the interns were all really nice and i ate with them and we went for a walk. they all speak french and you could tell they didnt really want to speak english, but they did for me. its more motivation to learn faster, i guess! my projects are county profiles on the MENA region (North Africa and Middle East), basically helping each county to produce reports about themselves and how they've implemented the UN's convention on the rights of the child. I think I'll do a lot of editing (they think if they put a report in google translate its acceptable english. i returned one to egypt yesterday and said its not even editable - have an english speaker there work on it first.) ill also do fact checking and when the reports are done at the end of January Ill spend the next month analyzing them and trying to establish best practices for the other surrounding countries to adopt. pretty awesome stuff. my other project is about child soldiers. im not really sure what work ill do for that project yet, but i was told to memorize all related international/humanitarian law about it this weekend! fun!

also im getting a vibe that the office, or at least the boss, is really weird. its set up in an old high school gym (i cant escape!) so the sound echoes a lot, so NO ONE SPEAKS! all day. all. day. if you have a question you have to walk over to the person and whisper to them. its SO weird. and at lunch everyone has great personalities! i wish i could make a little conversation to keep the day moving. also, apparently the boss FLIPS if youre even 5 mins late, which i always am. so im really nervous about staying punctual every day for 4 months. and i had to ask YESTERDAY for approval for one day off for thanksgiving, and i may not get it. he wasnt there yesterday but he sounds wacko.

i dont hang out with people as much as id like to. i called my few friends a few times and they were always busy, so i dropped it figuring they just dont want to hang out. so i was getting bored and lonley but im really hopeful about the other interns at work. theyre young, social, and they already invited me to two different things yesterday. yayyy!

um.. im having a halloween party (with all 2 of my friends, lol) next weekend. im wearing what i wore to rococco last year, lar.

next week is mine and daves 6 year anniversary. whooooooooooooooooooooooah! i went home for his birthday last weekend and i cried when i had to come back. it was so nice to be comfortable and around people im familiar with. i am determined to get more out of montreal, though. theyre having an occupy montreal thing today i was considering going to, actually. have you guys participated in any of the protests?
(side note: i didn't go, but i followed the live feed from nyc for hours yesterday. crazy stuff is happening. crazy.)

sorry that was really long. i miss you bungholes. stuff reminds me of you guys all the time. i talk about you a lot. anyho, love and smd.
<3

someone broke into my car last night..

but the gps they stole doesn't really work anymore and they left my painting for tanzania. fail.

Perfect Montréal Afternoon

I am having a perfect Montréal afternoon. I have lots of reading to do so I decided to instead explore St. Denis, one of the main streets of Montréal only a few blocks from my apartment. I found the perfect paper supply store, which is fantastic because I've been looking for one for about two weeks. I got some beautiful things that will soon become beautiful cards =] I wandered through some other stores selling homewares, kitchen goods, and a 10,000 villages, each of which were filled with things so lovely I was just walking around smiling to myself. At 10,000 villages I was approached to consider being a store volunteer. I need to look into it more, but it could be a great way to meet more locals interested in social justice while staying busy. I'll definitely consider it. The icing on the cake is that I am now in a really cool coffee/tea shop where you can stay foreverr with fabulous fair trade coffees and a delicious tiramisu. They even have a tea pot I've been dreaming about for over a year but was never able to find. Now all I need is $50...

Photo Post

Tam Tams

Every Sunday at Parc Jeanne-Mance (on the lower slope of Mont Royal) there is a gathering of hand drummers and fans. The tradition began in the 70's when it was started by a group of community members. It is not sponsored or endorsed by the city, although the police now walk through from time to time because the group gets rather large. It's really interesting because it's a large group of drummers, and anyone is welcome to participate. The song is constantly changing and there is no conductor, although after going only a few times I recognize leaders within the group. People dance in the circle created by the drummers, and there are large crowds of spectators watching close by and listening from around the hill. Although I love the collective aspect of tam-tams, the most interesting part to me is the diversity of the group. There are so many different types of people.. African men, white college kids, lots of hippies, lots of homeless (looking) men and women, tourists, old people, families with babies and young children.. a really eclectic group. I find this especially interesting because smoking pot seems to be a central aspect of tam-tams. There are always people rolling and smoking openly in this large group, and you can smell the pot throughout the whole area. The police do walk through the group from time to time, but I've never seen them stop anyone for anything. It seems like most of the people who dance are stoned, although you never know. The old man for instance didn't seem to take any smoke breaks but he was dancing with the best of them!

 

Islam

 

old man & stoned chick

 

this guy was too out of it to support his own drum. he was punching it with his fist at one point.

 

Tourist + little child + dude smoking up.

 

Me and Thea

 

Islam and I

 

crazy dreads/beard combo

Street Art

I know lots of cities like to pride themselves on their street art, but Montreal is on a whole other level. In additional to artistic graffiti lots of buildings have multi-level murals of all different styles. These pictures are some I saw on a walk down just one block. One block out of a whole city and I saw all these awesome things. So cool.

 

I think this picture is a great representation of Montreal. Cool street art, a bixi station, and greenery. Perfect.

 

MUNACA Strike

A few pictures I took at the MUNACA rally on Friday across from the uni.

 

Our first (blurry) roommate picture!

 

At the Atwater Farmer's Market

I didn't get any great pictures because my camera is broken (hence all the blurry pictures) and also because I feel weird going up to people working and taking pictures of their stuff without buying anything. I think all the colors, especially colors within one type of produce, are really beautiful.

Things are.. fine?

Whenever I make a move, or start a new job, or do something really awesome I always hype up how great it's going to be. I also always ignore many of the realities involved and am then surprised when I get there and things aren't magical and wonderful. And now, exhibit A: Montreal.

I was going to come here "pick up some French" and automatically have a big group of friends that I'd met at school or work. Things would be so similar to the US there'd be no adjustments and I'd be happy as a clam a few days in. Ding dong, you're wrong.

My apartment is good. It is the smallest place I've ever had, although I have everything I need. Storage is an issue though -  I have bins of things in my car (still) and every time I try to get something out of the fridge or pantry something else falls. I'm convinced that this is a result of poor organization, and I've already started working on the closet. The issue, of course, is that almost nothing in there is mine and I don't want to step on any toes so early in the year.
The money thing is thankfully old news, but it was a major stress on me for about two weeks.

School, it seems, is still "getting started". At least that's what everyone says when I talk about it. But come on people, it's been 3 weeks!!#$ The issues I have with school are mostly that the topics are boring (beginning of the year theory lectures), some of my classmates are annoying (self-righteous or overly anxious) , there are new standards (our biggest grade for two classes is to make a poster?!?@$! and yet it seems everyone is a crazy smart intellectual), and I still don't have an internship. Because I don't have an internship I only attend school for 9 hours a week, and that is my only obligation. The rest of the time I do a lot of nothing.

I don't speak French. Everyone else does. I'm trying, using Rosetta Stone and my language classes begin soon, but I always feel dumb or have moments of terror before ordering food or asking a sales person for help. Some people here refuse to speak English and are really rude about it (but I haven't encountered it yet on this trip).

Food here is very expensive. It is also very fattening. It's rained almost every day. My cell phone sucks. Communication with Dave is hard. We're long distance for the second year in a row, and he can't call me because of phone stuff. My phone quality is bad so I can only call him from the land line (land line!). I don't know what stores to go to for random things. I went to four places yesterday looking for some curtain rods, and they cost $8 each!

I know I'm whining a lot. My roommates are great - really kind and social, I live in a nice place, everything is new and exciting and I'm getting the cultural experience I wanted. It's just that when you go somewhere with such great expectations and then reality sets in.. well, it's not always the way you hope it will be.

This Week

I -rode my bike to school with the brakes stuck on. I walked it home.
  -had a class interrupted by the EMS looking for the person about whom a suicide attempt had been reported
  -made a friend (I hope!)
  -got my loan money! and my ATM cards!!
  -got my parking permit!!!
  -had a day full of NYC-homesickness

Melt Down

True to form, I made it about one week in my new home before having a slightly exaggerated crisis. A few days ago I was boppin along, thinking about how wonderful Montreal is. How nice everyone is, how pretty it is, how lucky I am, yanno. So I'm just gonna bop along over to the neighborhood (as opposed to the big box) grocery store for some dinner ingredients. I get everything rung up at the register and they don't take my type of card. The cashier sends me to an ATM across the street to get some cash. I begrudgingly agree (my card is debit and credit!) but I get to the ATM and I'm denied. I know I have money, so I try again. Denied again. Frustrated and slightly embarrassed I call customer service. I forgot to call and tell them I'm abroad, but the man promises that now it should work just fine. I try again and am denied. Undeterred, I walk decently far to a Scotia Bank where they have an agreement/partnership with my bank. I put the card in but not only am I denied but the machine keeps my card?!#$!? Now I am really upset. I call again, I'm shuffled through customer service, and I finally get a very kind woman who is sympathetic to me. No food and no money in a foreign county after business hours.. I mean, I was sounding a bit pathetic. So she and are are on the phone for a little more than half an hour, with her fielding possible solutions that are impossible because of this or that bullshit reason. By this point I'm sitting on the floor in the corner of the ATM area crying and snotting all over myself while people come in and out to make their successful ATM transactions. (I would like to mention that although everyone I've met so far has been wonderfully nice to me, no one in the ATM stopped to see if I was ok or even wanted a tissue. What's up with that, Montreal?!). Anyway, we the bank lady and I figure the only thing that can be done for me instantly is to call someone and ask for a money wire. I find this extremely embarrassing but call my aunt who isn't home. I then give up and return home, a pathetic blubbering mess.

Now, if I had taken the time to be calm and rational I could have realized that all I needed was to order a new ATM card. It's not like I had nothing to eat at home, I would just have to eat cereal or something for dinner. And of course I have roommates who wouldn't let me starve in front of them. Also I do have money in a bank account here, I just need to wait until business hours to access it because my new card is coming in the mail. But none of this was going through my head at the time. All I could think was 'no food, no money, no way to get these things' in loop. How silly. I got home and Laurene, seeing I was upset, immediately began comforting me and offering to lend me cash over and over again. I kept saying no thank you, I can get it tomorrow, so then instead she went out and got some beer for us to share and offered anything that was hers in the fridge to eat. I knew she'd be nice, so why was I so consumed in this useless train of thought? I'll chalk it up to lots of stress coming from the move. It is my pattern, I've realized by now: have a superstar first week in a new place, followed by one big, overexaggerated meltdown from the built up stress, and then return to life as normal. Well, I'm glad that's over with.

First Impressions

These last few days have been jam packed. You really forget how much you assume or take for granted when you're at home, or at least in your own country. In addition to getting the regular student things taken care of (id cards, registration schedules, etc) I have also been scrambling to get a Canadian cell phone and bank account, transfer money around several places so I can pay my rent tomorrow, and other things, mostly in a different language. I'm lucky in that most people in Montreal can speak at least some English, but I find it pretty embarrassing to walk up to someone without a word of French. I registered for lessons, though, and I'm trying to watch French speakers interact as much as possible so I can pick up phrases quickly.

Aside from those little quirks i LOVE it here. The weather is georgeous, the city is beautiful, my apartment is in a great location and I've been walking everywhere, my roommates are very kind.. it's great. I was warned by a faculty at the MSW program that I may feel isolated because most of the students in my program were here together last year. Actually, she more than warned me, she practically told me to forget about having friends. But I attended the MSW orientation yesterday followed by a PGSS (post-doctoral and graduate student services) social event, and everyone was SO friendly! They were very engaging in conversation, offered a lot of advice, and didn't make me feel like an outsider at all. I was even invited to a party someone in the department was throwing! I went and brought Islam and it was pretty cool. It was an interesting crowd but again everyone was so welcoming to me and said things like ''we're glad you came" and "see you in class". I was as happy as a clam.

School starts tomorrow. Although I still don't have a field placement I'm not concerned - everything will fall into place soon enough. For now I'm excited to meet more people in my program and learn. Wish me luck!

bienvenue

Last week I went down to the city to bid adieu to my gsv year.
I first stopped at 17th street to visit the girls. I knew I shouldn't have any expectations as to who would be there and how they would or would not respond to my (surprise) visit, but I could not have anticipated what I saw when I got there: no one. The girls are taken on trips once or twice a year, and of course, the day I went to see them was one of those days. They were on a long weekend trip to the Pochonos for some end of summer fun. I visited with the only girl who stayed behind (because she cursed out the director a few days previous) and she was happy to see me. She's one of the ones I couldn't wait to escape from, but seeing her again was quite nice. She was climbing a wall, litterally, when I got there, so the visit kept me from having rose-colored memories of my year, but I was glad that I could distract her for some time and give a bit of relief to my former coworkers who were on shift. I was actually surprised by my level of disappointment when I didn't get to see some of the girls I had been closest to. I left them a note and the cookies I made them; I hope they saw them and at least know I tried to see them.

I visited a few spots around my old places (Trader Joe's Wine Shop for a few bottles of two-buck Chuck, Blossom for the best $23 mani/pedi in the world) and then made the trek to Staten Island to visit this year's GSV's at their orientation. I was immediately welcomed into the group even though I felt like somewhat of an outsider the whole time. I participated in a few minor things offering the alumni perspective and advice, but my main reason for wanting to go was to say a "final" goodbye to my roommates going abroad - Jess, Krystina and Lar. We and the other GSV alum had a great evening holed up in a bedroom with cookies, wine, memories, and friendship. It was just as I had hoped it would be, with some reminiscence, some discussion of our present and future, but mostly the comfortable feeling you only have around friends you know you can be yourself around.

In the morning I watched as an outsider as the new Astoria volunteers began to get acquainted, and was really not feelin it. Us alum were strongly encouraged by Jon and Pete to come and stay, but I couldn't shake my own feelings of not belonging. I was feeling like that person who doesn't get it that their time has passed and they need to move on. And that's a good thing I think. I needed to feel that to get closure, because the truth is I don't belong there anymore. It was a hard pill to swallow because my best friends from GSV are staying on for additional time and I know that I will not be a part of their new experiences. It's ok, though, because now I'm in Montreal having a new experience of my own.

Speaking of which, I'm in Montreal now! I moved up yesterday and am as settled as I'll get for a few more days. The drive took about 6 hours instead of the usual 4, thanks to a combination of driving slowly because of my mattress on my dads car and the long wait at the boarder. I had to go inside to present my visa and passport and was told by everyone I'd breeze right through. Well, that was sort of true, minus the line of other international students, my anxiety, needing to pee after drinking coffee while driving, and my own stupidity. I had thought ahead "hey, maybe I should gather my important documents for the boarder just in case". then "no, that's silly, i already gave them my documents I won't need anything". idiot. they did need all my documents, which were scattered throughout boxes and bags between two cars in two different parking lots around the Canadian boarder. so I had to do a bit of running around compiled with an extreme amount of nerves and a good amount of embarrassment, because every time I gave the lady one document she told me to turn around and go look for another. and another. and she heckled me every time, too. seriously. ask Dave.

ANYWAY, i made it through the boarder and into what is now my Montreal apartment. My roommates were fabulous and helped carry everything in, they had gotten clean sheets out for me in case I needed them, and they stayed in for most of the evening to share beer with Dave and I as we got to know each other a bit. They're both quite interesting and have ridiculous international lives and circles of friends. They're also very smart and kind, and I'm really looking forward to knowing them more.

It is now a rainy day so we're all inside doing our own things with some Miles Davis in the background. I have a long list of important (read stressful) things to take care of tomorrow, but for now I don't care. I'm excited about this next part of my life, these great people I'll share it with and the beautiful city I now call home.

"vacation"

When you have things to write about you're so busy doing things that you don't actually take the time to update a blog such as this. I've been a GSV-alum for 2 1/2 weeks now, and time is flying. the month of August was supposed to be a pseudo vacation for me, being that it's my break between my volunteer year and returning to student-hood. while I've been on vacation for a few weeks now, i can hardly say I've been relaxing. in the last two weeks, I've been kayaking in Vermont, in Montreal to check out apartments, down to the beach in Virginia/North Carolina for some impromptu surf lessons (awesome, go do it), up to the derty jers for krystina's going away party, and have since had my family from Virginia in town as we attempt to move my grandpa out of his house and into assisted living. and all this while trying to catch up with my Albany friends and figure out all the things I need to get done to prep for McGill. phew. just a few days ago I looked at the calendar and realized I was planning to move next week. I don't know if that'll actually happen now, but it was quite a surprise. I've been saying I'm moving "in a few weeks" that I forgot to check exactly how many weeks are left!

On the topic of McGill, I've had several false starts but it looks like things are moving along well now. Just yesterday I heard that my visa was finally approved, and today I got an update on possible internship opportunities. My options so far are IBCR, an agency that does research, advocacy and policy on children's issues such as human trafficking, sex tourism, and child slavery, and another agency that does a lot of fund raising and philanthropic work in Montreal. I really want to do IBCR - it sounds perfect based on my academic interests and thesis. Now I have to jump through all the hoops of applying. The other doesn't interest me at all, but the woman coordinating internships seems to want me to do it because I know she has connections there. Fortunately for me, I don't think I speak enough French to do it so I can't be coerced into taking that position. I'm waiting until tomorrow to hear if I can take the apartment I liked from my visit a few weeks ago. I really hope it works out - it seems like a great fit for me and also it would mean that everything is in place for me to move up whenever I'm ready. Then I could relax for the next week here. If it doesn't work I'll be disappointed (again) and have to go up to look for another place (again). So here's hopin.

Aside from possibly continuing my apartment search, for the next week and a half I have several appointments, lots more people to see, packing, tying up loan paperwork, applying for that internship, and hopefully having some fun left to do. Plus, I'm planning to go down to NYC for a day next week to see my lovely former roommates one last time before they depart for their years as international GSVs! I'm so excited!! So, that relaxing vacation I dreamed about may need to wait a little longer..

Car Ride Reflections

During a car ride back to good ol' Dlink some roommates and I got to talking about the impending end of the year. Yay, we're almmost done, but what had we learned? Have we changed? Has anything changed? It sure feels like it has, but when it's time to explain what this year has been to me I always seems to fall short. Words like "wonderful, incredible, challenging, growth, love, community, amazing" and more come to my mind readily, but what do those words really mean? I never feel that they can adequately explain the magnitude of what my communitymates and I have experienced together.

I will not attempt to define any of those things for you, but here is an abbreviated list of the changes I have noticed in myself over the course of the past year.

-I've begun to realize the depth and ways in which my need to control impact my relationships with others, especially those who also like/need to control. The same is true of my relationships with external situations, for example at work.
-I learned how to ask for help. I saw a therapist, and I cautiously opened up to my roommates, who proved to be my best support of the year.
-I learned the value of self care: when to say 'no, I've done enough today', when to say 'it's ok to mindlessly watch tv for a little while, everything else can wait'. Also, I learned to create rituals for myself, like nails and bagels on Sunday mornings.
-I worked on becoming more independent. If I wanted to do something in the city and no one was around I did it anyway, by myself. I never did that before.
-I became more aware of my "blunt honesty" and how others around me receive it. Apparently, not everyone likes it as much as I do.
-Most importantly, although I recognize these changes, I don't think that I personally have changed. I feel like this year of GSV has made me a better, more aware version of the person I have always been. I have become a better version of myself.

Apartment

Good news! I had a skype date today with my potential new roommates and it went really well! I got a virtual tour of the place, which is a renovated building from the 20's. It still has its old time charm and it seemed pretty big. The girls seemed nice and not bro-ish, and its on the high end of affordable. Plus it includes parking! I'm going to visit in real life, and potentially other places too, in August to seal the deal, but if nothing changes it looks like I found my new home =]

Now all I need is a visa...

Alaska + Vacation + the beginning of the end

Last week my Aunt took my sister and I to Anchorage for a long weekend to visit her son/our cousin Anthony. It was a really cool trip - definitely not one I would have planned for myself, but that makes it even better! We had a nice break in a string of crappy weather.. highs of about 60 and sunny. I never saw it get dark, or even dusky because the sun is currently up for almost the full 24 hours for summer. We went to a bunch of state and national parks, hiked up to a glacier, saw sea and land animal conservation centers, went on a glacier cruise (we saw a whale!) and visited a Native American cultural center which was really great. It was nice to see my aunt again and my cousin who I haven't spoken to almost since childhood and my sister and I had a nice time together, too.

I returned to an almost full week off here in NYC and Dave came to visit for 6 days. It was the perfect vacation.. the kind where you're not at work and you're not thinking about it, either! We didn't do very much so it was really relaxing and a perfect break from the craziness that is the ending of GSV and prep for Montreal and McGill. Now that I'm back at work I only have two weeks left!

I feel a lot different about work, in part from being on vacation and also because I'm leaving soon. I've said that I hate work constantly throughout this year, but by the time I was getting ready to go back on Monday I was really excited to see the girls and wondering what they had all been up to. I showed Dave a bunch of pictures of them from throughout the year and kept telling him "She had a really crappy life and earlier this year she did this and this and this but now she does this!" It was a refreshing change in my own thought process.

I've been back for three days so far, and I am so impressed. The girls started their summer internships, and they've all had perfect attendance so far! It's sad but money (not even much of it) is really the only thing that works to motivate them. Even if money is the main factor they've been coming home beat, maybe complaining a little but you can tell that they have a lot of pride in their work and are very pleased with themselves. Today, for the first time in recent memory, a group of about 5 girls were sitting in the kitchen eating together and talking. It's incredible the changes that occur in the community when the residents are focused on themselves and their goals. They're too distracted to worry about gossip or drama, and they have a new level of confidence. It was so wonderful to see and I told them so. They told me to stop being cheesy. I guess some things will never change.

When I returned from vacation I posted the monthly calendar of events, which includes my last day. A bunch of girls noticed and asked me about it, saying it came too quickly and that they'll miss me. It's really incredible to see that after a year of a lot of nonsense and little appreciation that they do notice the work I do. I know that my being pleased with this is selfish, and that purpose is to be there for them and to serve them, but knowing that they appreciate my being there is so, so gratifying. My caring about them was noticed, but more importantly, they care. My hope is that they don't just see me as a nice volunteer, but that they internalize the message that someone cares about them, enough to spend a whole year with them being treated like crap with almost no reward, just because they matter. I want them to know how much they matter.

The building is holding a going away party for Jess, Krystina and I, and I know that I will probably get a card and a small gift. I'm really excited for the party because I hope it is a time when all the girls come together for a happy (or to them possibly sad) occasion and we can just relive happy memories from the year and appreciate each other. I'm making a photobook of the year to leave for the floor, and I'm also going to make them each personalized cards telling them how proud I am of them, and to offer them some ongoing encouragement. I hope they like them, and I really hope my leaving can be seen as a positive event and that it doesn't spark any more incidents (because they may be sad/abandoned/angry and not know how to handle these emotions).

And for my future life.. not much has happened. I still don't have an internship or apartment lined up, but it's definitely not for a lack of trying. I am able to register for classes now, I just haven't gotten to it yet. I'm still waiting to hear about my visa and was told to call on Friday to ask for an update. As soon as I go back up to Albany I'll be able to focus on all of these things full time, plus find out my financial aid offer! It will be such a relief!